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Confessions of a Trailing Spouse
When opportunity knocked for my husband to work in Korea, he opened the door and we all walked through it. We welcomed the adventure, but knew better than to expect it to be easy. While waiting at the airport for our flight from Charlotte, NC to Seoul, I remember making small talk with one elderly lady, mentioning our upcoming trip to Korea. “How nice! What a lovely adventure for the kiddos,” she said. But when I mentioned that we were moving there for good, she recoiled like a rattler and asked, “And you are happy about that? Uprooting your kids and all? What do you think that will do to them?” I did not know what to say to that, honestly. I simply nodded, thanked her for her concern and answered the boarding call for our flight as she prayed the Rosary.
I, too, had been wrestling with the same concerns about how our family would cope with being so abruptly and severely uprooted. Our children had all started elementary school; but how would they handle going to school one week in their American classroom, and then the next in a class where they did not speak the language or know anyone? Did we really have a right to do this to them? I also felt a great deal of shame and self-loathing at the fact that perhaps if I had “made it” (i.e. six figure salaried career) as opposed to working freelance from home; then we would not be transplanting ourselves in a society I felt we would never really belong in. And because I had not “made it” despite having a master’s degree, I had no choice but to follow my husband, which, as an American, I felt as a sign of concession, rather than a sound decision. But a flicker of faith deep down assured me it was the right one, despite my apprehensions. To assuage my misgivings, I devised myself a master plan. I figured that we would all have this great adventure for perhaps a couple of years, tops, pick up a new language, and then go back to where we belong, given the right opportunities.
Four years later, however, we still remain. And throughout that time, life in Korea has, for the most part, defied the grim expectations I had had at the airport that day. Since then, my children have picked up Korean, which now far exceeds my own. And I am happy to report that they have been warmly welcomed in their Korean school, with hardly any incidents of bullying. In fact, their “Americanisms” have made them an item, with parents encouraging their classmates to befriend my sons to practice English and learn about America, according to their teachers, with whom I have learned to communicate with in steadily improving “Konglish.” As my sons have adapted more seamlessly than expected, however, they still identify as Americans and long for their old school, even though language was no longer an issue. I do, however, miss helping them with homework and projects, which are now all in Korean—an area where my children far exceed me in skill. I also now shouldered the added task of working with them to keep up their English literacy— one area I could still be of help to them.
My own adaptation to Korea, however, had been far less smooth. As a seasoned wife, mother, writer and Marine veteran already in her mid-30’s, I was already set in my ways, determined not to let my residence in this geographic location change who I was as a die-hard, red-blooded American. I was so determined not to change and assimilate, I refused to study Korean, at first, or consider working outside the home, for fear of becoming “too attached.” I was determined not to let anything get in the way of moving back to the U.S. at the earliest opportunity. After all, most Americans and westerners just came and went, right? In other words, I developed a sort of “cultural resistance” toward assimilating in Korea. I figured that since I already knew where I belonged, and spoke the language of where I belonged, there was no point in changing who I was. So I just went through the motions of caring for my family, writing my novels and taking in any English editing work that came my way. I played it safe by only associating with English-speaking people, and brushing up only on “survival” Korean—enough to shop, bargain, ask directions and give taxi directions, with a little small talk thrown in for good measure.
But the longer we lived here, the more Korean life started to grow on me—the way it embraced my children, and tried to embrace me, despite my resistance of it. And as I got to know several westerners, including our landlord, who have stayed for the duration in Korea, I came to welcome the idea of staying on, and my resistance began to peel. I began to think that perhaps, grasping the Korean language and culture could make me a better American. I began to consider many positives about Korean life that I had overlooked in my staunch resistance, one of which is the safe environment that allows me to walk around alone at night without ever worrying about my safety. My children can also develop their independence by freely going places without fear of getting kidnapped, or their parents getting arrested for “child endangerment.” And most of all, the overall climate of respect for elders and authority, which enables parents and teachers alike to raise up and educate caring and conscionable citizens.
All in all, I can say that our journey here in Korea had definitely been one of faith; and I am convinced that it is our faith that has given us, especially myself, the ability to overcome adversities and grow as world citizens.
At Disney, There’s Something for Everyone
One of our last memories before moving to Korea was a family trip to Walt Disney World in Orlando. And as recent tragedies have taken place both in the parks and in the surrounding area, I wanted to touch upon the beauties of humanity and nature I experienced while at the Happiest Place on Earth. I have to say, it is called that for a reason. As a child, I had always wanted to go to Disney World, but never quite got around to it. I saw all the TV commercials about Disney World, with the Flying Dumbo ride, roller coaster rides with Roger Rabbit and pictures with Mickey and Minnie in front of Cinderella’s Castle. But the strange thing was, I did not really care about what to do there, although I was always a huge fan of Cinderella. I just wanted to be there—at Disney World. It was a special kind of magic that had a lure of its own. So I determined, as sort of a parenting bucket list item, that my children will visit Disney World during their childhood. Fortunately, my brother helped me cross that off the list, as he obtained employment there, and we were able to visit the parks free of charge, which helped immensely, as a trip with three kids would have cost a considerable sum.
On our drive down to Orlando, I found the natural environment in Florida to be beautiful, unique and intriguing. The palmettos, the Spanish moss hanging like beards from ancient trees, snowy egrets and blue herons stalking the shallow lakes like pond ornaments. I even kept my eyes on lookout for gators by the roadside everyone I knew seemed to keep fussing about. I actually wanted to see one; but anytime we stopped, and I looked, I did not find one. Even inside the parks we visited, including Epcot and Magic Kingdom, nature seemed to overlap with Disney infrastructure, which resulted in grave consequences at a particular resort this past year. However, the man-made lakes throughout Epcot teemed with numerous ducks and egrets, completely at ease and unafraid of the usual crowds. It was as though, despite the loud attractions and throngs of tourists, people and nature coexisted in harmony, which was very moving to me.
After a few hours of huffing around after my kids, I found myself dying for a Starbucks (Downtown Disney has one now) as I craved both refreshment and caffeine. And I knew I could not have been alone in this as a parent strolling the expansive grounds of Disney World. This is when my brother took us inside the big Golf Ball, and showed us an International Food and Wine Festival—which, to me, seemed very un-Disney. But it was such a relief to be able to sit down in a cool terraced auditorium and take in a coffee demonstration, covering different ways to brew, drip and press different types of coffees to get different types of flavors. And the best part were the free samples, which just about satisfied my Starbucks itch! I also snagged an adorable Remy the Rat doll with my brother’s 30% cast member discount. And we were also able to get one-stop shopping indoor photo ops with different Disney characters without the ghastly outdoor lines necessary to score commercial-grade Mickey pics in front of Cinderella’s Castle. Although for some, those are worth the hassle.
We then strolled through Magic Kingdom, we visited several cultural exhibits like Bavaria, Polynesia and Mexico; but the attraction we spent the most time in, one that was correlative to our children’s roots, was the Japan exhibit. Inside was like a Little Tokyo, with Sanrio, Pokemon, Beyblade, Transformers merchandise colorfully displayed with “testers” for demonstration purposes. But what stood out the most was the oyster tank, where for about $15, you could select a pearl bearing oyster and keep the pearl as a souvenir, or pay a little extra to have it set into jewelry, which my brother did to make a ring for his girlfriend. The Japan exhibit also boasted an on-site candy artist, who could fashion a sort of lollipop into any creature you ask for. My sons asked for dragons, but I also saw how skillfully and exquisitely the lady crafted a parrot, even tweaking the candy with extra pleats for feathers!
But the most memorable event of all, which, I believe to be the highlight of a Disney trip is the late-night parade in Magic Kingdom, right in front of Cinderella’s Castle. This is where Tinkerbell “flies” across the sky waving her wand between the tallest turret of Cinderella’s Castle and Tomorrowland Terrace to signal the beginning of the fireworks display and the parade, featuring floats from all the different Disney movies and characters—my favorite was Captain Hook’s pirate ship float. But what intrigued me the most, perhaps, was a few of the people who surrounded us—the faces in the crowd that often disappear when it gets dark and the attractions light up. I noticed a little girl in a wheelchair who was dressed in an Ariel costume from “The Little Mermaid.” I complimented her costume, and her mother said she had the full Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique makeover, which includes the costume dress, a glitter-gel princess bun up-do, topped off with a tiara comb and a signature rhinestone Mickey barrette. Her father mentioned that they were from Mexico, and that it was their daughter’s dream to go to Disney World just one time in her young life. They mentioned she did not have very long, and I knew not to ask any questions. All I could say is that I had the same dream for my own children, and that I was happy she could make it—and that I absolutely loved her costume.
All in all, Disney, and Orlando’s surrounding natural environment, possess an unexplainable magic, much of which I have yet to discover, even after three previous trips. At Disney World, there is something for everyone; and the Disney dream continues to bring all ages, races, creeds and ethnicities together to celebrate one big party, and proves that it really is a small world, after all!
‘The Solitaire Diaries’: Video Book Review by Christie
Check out this truly heartwarming and insightful video review on my new book, “The Solitaire Diaries!”
Baby Boomers & Millennials Rock ‘Family Style’ in ‘Yours, Mine & Ours’
When I first saw the original Yours, Mine & Ours (1968), I gawked in awe as Helen North cruised down the Golden Gate Bridge with her eight un-seatbelted kids climbing all over one another without so much as being pulled over for a ticket. Ironically, it also shocked me to see 4-year old Ethan Beardsley strapped to a full-harness toddler car seat in the 2005 remake. As I still have fond memories of sitting in the front seat in a booster at that age, I thought a pre-K kid strapped in like a 1-year old was a bit too coddlish and quite baffling. However, I wouldn’t have been cool with my kids climbing around without seatbelts either. Although the freedom to ride around with siblings’ arms for seatbelts brought back pleasant memories, it is fair to say that safety rules between the two Yours, Mine & Ours productions have evolved for a reason. And although I tend to favor original movies and frown on tepid remakes or sequels, I did find the 21st century take on Yours, Mine & Ours to be not only necessary, but very relatable and entertaining. Like any remake, Yours, Mine & Ours needed to be told to a new generation in a way they understood best.
The original 1968 film tells the story of how widowed Navy Captain Frank Beardsley (Henry Fonda) and Navy nurse Helen North (Lucille Ball—I Love Lucy, anyone?), who also lost her husband, met, reluctantly revealed their family sizes in a moving cable car and married, blending into one supersized family of twenty. It was at that time when blended families were just beginning to become an item right in time for the incoming Brady Bunch of 1969. And although large families were more commonplace and economically feasible during the “Baby Boomer” era, and the Beardsley/North children stirred vats of oatmeal and bagged lunches like a first-rate ship’s crew, the growing pains among the new siblings, as well as the parents, were still honestly evident. I also noticed some ironic snippets of anti-child/large family sentiments throughout the film; once when Mr. Beardsley remarked that his children’s glum welcome upon his homecoming “made him review the entire question of birth control.” And on their rainy wedding night, a doctor on a house call (remember those?) also told Mr. Beardsley to call his wife and tell her thank you. When he asked what for, he deadpanned, “We don’t have any children.” He also told an aunt and uncle babysitting the two youngest Beardsley babies to “Have a heart. Drop them off on someone else’s doorstep,” when they came to deliver them home. The story seemed to caution viewers even in the 60s to be mindful of their family sizes, or even of parenthood in general, all the while showcasing the marvels, drama and heart that comes with having a large blended family. And patience ultimately wins in the end as the adoption judge asks the new Mrs. Beardsley in court how she manages to handle it all. Her answer is this: “Love, a little discipline and a husband who doesn’t criticize”—a subtle jab at the judge, who claimed to only hve two children and a full-time maid, but yet still could not manage. If that is not a landslide mom victory regardless of era, I don’t know what is.
Decades later, the 2005 remake of Yours, Mine & Ours delivers a similar story line with most parallels intact, but with several distinctions that work its way into the new millennium. Only this time, Frank Beardsley (Dennis Quaid) has been promoted to Admiral on course to run the Coast Guard Academy. Although this is a rather solid prestigious post, Admiral Beardsley still could not guarantee his eight children that this would be their last move, as he was still not finished climbing the brass ladder to Commandant of the Coast Guard. After he settles his family in New London, Connecticut (East Coast this time), some of them refuse to even unpack. Then on a blind date, he runs into the next-generation Helen North (Rene Russo), a free-spirit fashion designer, at a restaurant where she is having a dinner meeting with a potential buyer from Saks Fifth Avenue.
They later meet again on a “flashback” 25th high school reunion cruise, where they reluctantly reveal their family sizes while happily intoxicated on the dance floor. Only this time, they elope before even telling their baffled children. Frank assures his children “It’ll be fun…having ten new brothers and sisters.” But the North kids are not too sure. As their free-range mother champions creative chaos in her mantra, “Homes are for free expression, not for good impressions,” they do not mesh well with the ship-shape clean cut Beardsley brood who prefer Boy Scouts, Capitol Hill internships, sailing and J. Crew. In fact, both camps scheme to break their parents up until they find that their partnership in crime actually did more to mend them closer together as one family instead of cleaving them back into two.
Also, the North kids, whose casting includes Disney’s Danielle Panabaker, Drake Bell and iCarly’s Miranda Cosgrove, also bring to light international and interracial adoption as Helen proudly admits during a slow dance with Frank that she adopted six of her children via foster care. I believe the diversity culture portrayed throughout the remake to be noteworthy and one of the brightest highlights of both the 20th century and the new millennium. Being interracially married myself, I found it particularly touching when Helen told “Lau,” (Andrew Vo) her Asian son, “No one will ever doubt you’re my son,” when he presented her with his own handbag design sketch.
All in all, I found both renditions of Yours, Mine & Ours uniquely enriching as they both authentically played out their respective time periods, showing what was to be learned about family lifestyles, norms and idiosyncrasies of both the 1960s and the 2000s. Regardless of what is considered safe, normal, clean, diverse, crazy, overreaching or just plain ship-shape along different generational timelines, both films beautifully illustrate that love and family togetherness are always the ties that bind. Group hug!
Video from Rachel Writes
Hi Everyone! Check out this awesome new video book haul from Rachel Writes, featuring my book The Lady Leathernecks, and other great books from indie authors worth considering. They all sound like amazing reads. I especially like Wish Me From the Water by R.E. Swirsky and Woman from Pritchard Street by J.D. Young. Enjoy!